


(Dying is Easy) Living is Harder

by CharacteristicallyMinor



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-05-14 20:58:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5758657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CharacteristicallyMinor/pseuds/CharacteristicallyMinor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coulson lives, due to an experimental treatment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Right Hand Man" from Hamilton, written by Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Phil woke up. He immediately regretted doing so, as he was in agony. The pain in his chest was worse than any pain he'd previously felt. He tried to remember how he'd gotten hurt. 

Suddenly, he remembered. Loki had stabbed him. He'd thought he was dying. 

His eyes shot open, the urge to know what happened overpowering his earlier impulse to try to fall back asleep until he was in less pain. He was in a fairly generic hospital room. That was odd, as he should have been waking up in the Helicarrier infirmary.

Suddenly, Clint came running into the room.

"Clint?" Phil asked, unable to manage anything more complicated. 

"Thank god," Clint said. "He said that you'd survive, but I didn't know whether to trust him."

Phil wondered if his survival had really been unsure or whether it was Clint's characteristic distrust of doctors. 

"Where?" Phil questioned. Talking didn't increase the pain he was feeling, but it took strength he didn't have. Luckily, Clint knew what he meant.

"You're in a private hospital. The Helicarrier was damaged, between Loki making me shoot it and the Hulk coming out," Clint said. Anticipating the next question, Clint continued, "I'm not under mind control any more. Our side won. All of the Avengers survived, as did Fury, Hill, and Sitwell. Everything's still pretty crazy, though."

"Loki?" Phil asked, just to confirm.

"Far away from here," Clint replied. "Why don't you go back to sleep? You need all the rest you can get to help you heal."

Phil closed his eyes and drifted off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next time Phil woke up, the pain was about as bad as it had been before. His room was empty. That soon changed, as a nurse bustled in check on him. Phil vaguely recognized him as one of the Helicarrier medical staff.

"It looks like you're healing well," the nurse said. 

"Painkillers?" Phil rasped out, his throat extremely dry.

"I'm sorry, but we don't know how painkillers will interact with the treatment, since it's never been tested before, and we don't want to do anything to set back your progress. I can get you some water, at least," the nurse offered, filling up a small cup and slowly tipping water down Phil's throat.

Phil drifted off again soon after.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Phil spent what he thought was probably a week like that, hours of sleep broken up with minutes of excruciating pain. He didn't see anyone except for a couple of nurses, but he was unconscious so much of the time that he had no idea whether he had actually had visitors or not. 

Finally, he woke up to see that Clint had returned to his room. 

"Hey, Phil," Clint said, a smile breaking out over his exhausted face. Phil hoped he hadn't been working too hard after the battle. He knew that SHIELD was probably a mess, but he didn't want Clint to overwork himself out of a misplaced sense of guilt.

"You okay?" Phil asked. 

"Me? You're the one who was stabbed," Clint replied. "I'm just tired."

Phil raised an eyebrow.

"Well, and I've spent a lot of time worrying about you and dealing with the aftermath of the battle. I'm doing as well as I could be, under the circumstances," Clint answered. Phil watched his face and decided he was being honest.

"But anyways, how are you feeling?" Clint asked. 

"No painkillers," Phil complained.

"I'm really sorry," Clint replied, sounding sympathetic. "It might conflict with the experimental treatment. Hopefully the pain will get better soon." 

"Yeah," Phil replied, unable to come up with a more intelligent response. 

He drifted off again, noticing that Clint looked worried but unable to stop himself from falling asleep.


	2. Chapter Two

The pain lightened a couple of days- or so Phil estimated- after Clint's visit. It wasn't gone, but it was suddenly more manageable. Phil could finally stay awake for a longer period of time. He managed to stay awake for about an hour the first time he woke up after the pain decreased, which he counted as a major victory. 

One of the nurses came in for a while to check on him, although the nurse wasn't able to explain why Phil was suddenly feeling better. The details of his experimental treatment were apparently classified, and nothing like it had ever been attempted. Phil thought he could see Nick's influence behind that. Nick wasn't one to back away from extreme measures when he thought that the payoff might be worthwhile.

Phil slept for what felt like a few hours. When he woke up, Clint was sitting in a chair beside his bed. Clint looked even more tired than before. Phil thought he was probably having nightmares again. 

Clint noticeably brightened when he saw that Phil was awake; Phil thought part of it was genuine happiness at seeing that Phil was awake and the rest was Clint trying not to worry Phil. As if Phil wouldn't notice that Clint wasn't fine, now that he was finally able to focus on something other than pain.

"Good morning," Clint said. "Your nurse said that you were feeling better."

"I am. I woke up earlier and the pain was finally manageable," Phil said. "I was able to stay awake for about an hour."

"I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear that," Clint said. 

"Me, too. I was beginning to worry that I wasn't healing," Phil replied. "It's hard not knowing how much progress I can hope for, since that information either doesn't exist or is classified. I'm used to being given benchmarks and estimates at the infirmary."

"This must be really upsetting, then, to your inner control freak," Clint joked before becoming more serious. "I'm just glad that you're alive. I was so afraid you wouldn't survive."

"When I heard that you were being controlled by Loki, I was terrified that I wouldn't get you back," Phil said softly. "I think that's why I was so reckless in confronting Loki. I wasn't thinking clearly once I'd heard that he'd taken you."

"Please don't do that again," Clint asked. "I don't think I could handle losing you again."

"That goes both ways. If you never jump off a building again it would really help prevent me from having a heart attack," Phil commented.

"Well, we can't have that. You've already had one chest injury," Clint replied.

"So, how's everyone doing?" Phil asked. "I haven't seen anyone but you. Not that I'm complaining, but I'm a little surprised."

"Your survival is being kept under wraps for now," Clint explained. "Fury and the medical staff are the only ones who know. They barely even decided to tell me."

Phil realized that Clint wasn't telling the truth. Clint was good at hiding his tells, but Phil knew him better than anyone in the world. Phil wondered why Clint would lie about who knew, until he realized the obvious answer. Clint was his partner, but Nick wouldn't have told Clint about Phil unless he had a more compelling reason to do so.

"You weren't doing well after you thought I died," Phil guessed. "That's why you were told."

"I was kind of a wreck. I'm still not-" Clint trailed off, unable to finish the sentence.

Phil reached for Clint's hand, wincing when the movement jarred his chest. Seeing Phil's wince, Clint grabbed Phil's hand and situated them by Phil's side. Phil squeezed Clint's hand carefully.

"Nobody would expect you to be fine after everything you've gone through," Phil stated firmly. "Being forced to work for an enemy and losing your bodily autonomy would cause trauma to anyone. I'm glad you didn't have to think I was dead for too long on top of that."

"I love you, Phil," Clint said urgentlyl. "I couldn't deal with life without you."

"I love you, too," Phil replied. "So much."

"I'm sorry. You're the one who almost died; you shouldn't be comforting me," Clint said guiltily.

"I'd much rather comfort you than see you hurt on your own," Phil replied. "Trust me, I'm glad that I can do anything to help you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now that Phil was able to stay awake for longer, he noticed that Clint's visits really were as infrequent as Phil had thought they were. Clint only came every few days, although he stayed until Phil fell back asleep every visit. Phil wasn't hurt that Clint couldn't come more often, but he was concerned about how busy Clint was. Phil knew that the post-battle cleanup must be taking a toll on everyone, but he wasn't sure why a field agent would be involved in what should mainly be administrative, legal, construction, and medical work. Perhaps Clint was still working with the Avengers, but Phil wasn't sure what the Avengers would actually be doing once the battle was over. 

Phil's best guess was that Clint had gone back to going on missions, even though he really shouldn't have. Clint should be on leave to recover from his trauma. Phil would protest, but he knew that Clint would take it as an insult to his abilities, and Phil wasn't recovered enough to be sure he wouldn't just make things worse for Clint.

So Phil waited, willing himself to recover. He didn't seem to be getting any better, but he knew that patience was the key. Phil talked to the nurses and managed to convince them to bring him novels- electronics had been deemed too stimulating, even though Phil was desperate to receive news from the outside.

Three weeks went by, and Phil's health didn't improve.

"I'm beginning to think that this is the healthiest I'm going to be," Phil confessed to Clint in a moment of weakness. "I feel so useless, like this."

"You're not useless," Clint replied firmly.

"My job has been my life for years. Everything about me has formed as a result of it. Even us- we wouldn't have gotten together if we hadn't met working for SHIELD. I don't know who I am if I can't go back to that," Phil admitted. "I had hoped that I would recover and be able to get back to work, but now that doesn't even seen possible."

"Hey, now. You're much more than your job," Clint argued. "I mean, it's not like either of us has ever had much of our life outside our work, but that's not why I love you."

"I know," Phil replied, trying to be patient. "But it's not our relationship that I'm doubting. It's my own- identity, my sense of self-worth."

"This isn't a healthy line of thought," Clint said sharply. "You need to concentrate on healing. Obsessing over your ability to work isn't going to help you get better."

"Like you're one to talk. You think I can't see how tired you are? I know that you've been going out on missions, even though every protocol this agency has says that agents who have been through trauma should be given time to recover, not overworked to the point where they have no chance to heal. You aren't sleeping, Clint, and you look even more like you're falling apart every time I see you. If you want to talk to me about healthy, then stop punishing yourself for things that weren't your fault," Phil snapped.

Clint just stared at him, seeming shocked. After a minute, Clint let out a low, bitter laugh and left the room.

Phil was left to fall asleep alone, wondering just how badly he'd fucked things up.


	3. Chapter Three

Clint didn't visit Phil at all that week. After the fourth day, Phil asked one of the nurses, Aaron, whether there was any way for him to contact Hawkeye; he apologized and said that there wasn't. 

After a week and a half, Phil started wondering if Clint was ever going to come back. He didn't want to be melodramatic, but he knew that Clint was in a worse emotional state than Phil had ever seen Clint in, and Phil had just made things worse.

Fifteen days after their argument, Phil woke up feeling the healthiest he had been since being stabbed. He found that he was able to stay up for several hours at a time, and that he was in much less pain. He wasn't by any means healed, but he was making definite progress. He wondered about the nature of his mysterious treatment; he knew that recovery from injuries was usually a process instead of a series of abrupt changes. He knew that he wasn't in a position to get any answers, though, so he decided to wait it out.

Phil started doing physical therapy. He'd met his physical therapist, Thea, several times previously; she'd worked with a couple of his agents in the past. 

Now that Phil was feeling better, he became even more determined to talk to Clint. He thought a lot about what he would say to Clint, if Clint came back.

Two days after Phil's latest improvement, Clint was wheeled into his room on a hospital bed. His ankle and both of his hands were bandaged, and there was a nasty bruise on his forehead. Phil assumed that there were more injuries that weren't visible. There always were.

"Hey," Clint said, his voice slurred from painkillers. "I convinced them to put me in your room finally."

"Clint!" Phil exclaimed. "What did you do to yourself?"

"Wasn't my choice," Clint slurred. "Had some pretty powerful opponents."

Phil got out of bed and went to stand by Clint's, examining him for further injuries. Phil still couldn't see anything else, but he was pretty sure that there were at least a few nasty bruises concealed under the hospital gown.

"You can't go here," Clint protested weakly. "You gotta heal. Can't walk."

"I've been doing better the last couple days," Phil informed him. "I can walk around the room, although the nurses haven't allowed me to wander around the halls yet. You, on the other hand, apparently have a death wish." Phil tried to control his voice on that last sentence but didn't quite succeed in concealing his anger.

"Tha's good. Makes it all worth it," Clint agreed before falling asleep.

"You are no help," Phil complained before making his way back to his own bed. He wanted to stay by Clint's side, but he knew that he wouldn't be able to remain steady on his feet for much longer. 

Phil went back to sleep himself in order to conserve his energy for when Clint woke up next. When Clint was coherent again, they were going to need to have a serious discussion.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Phil woke up again, Clint was still asleep. Phil thought long and hard about what he needed to say to Clint now that Clint was back. He meant what he had said about Clint having a death wish. Phil didn't think that Clint was actively suicidal, but Clint was pushing himself too hard and was being reckless enough that Phil was legitimately worried about whether Clint would survive his next mission. Phil couldn't believe that Clint was being allowed to continue going on missions. SHIELD must really be desperate for manpower, if they were overworking him that much.

Phil tried planning out a conversation in his mind numerous times, but he could still couldn't come up with the magic words that would convince Clint to take a break.

Phil spent the next few hours reading. He kept an eye on Clint the whole time, but Clint stayed sound asleep. Phil didn't even consider waking Clint up; Clint had looked so exhausted ever since Phil had almost died that Phil was just relieved to see him actually sleeping, even in a medication-induced sleep.

Finally, Phil looked over to see that Clint's eyes were open. Clint was staring at Phil like he was afraid Phil would go away if Clint blinked.

"Hey," Phil said softly.

"Hey," Clint replied, voice clearer than before.

"How are you doing?" Phil asked.

"Not bad," Clint said. "Nothing that'll take too long to heal. What about you? I seem to remember you walking over here?"

"I've been doing better for a few days. I can stay awake for hours at a time and even walk short distances, although my stamina leaves much to be desired," Phil told Clint. "But I noticed your attempt to deflect. Clint, this isn't healthy. You need to take a break."

"Look, I have it under control," Clint replied to Phil defensively.

"No, you don't. You've been looking progressively worse every time I see you. You're pushing yourself too hard," Phil replied. 

"The situation would be worse if I took a break," Clint insisted. "Trust me, this is the best possible option."

"I'm becoming afraid that you won't make it back from your next mission because you're too tired to think straight," Phil confessed.

"Look, Phil," Clint said. "I'm making an effort to take care of myself as much as I can. If you want, I can ask Fury for permission to tell one of the handlers I have temporarily been assigned to about your survival. Maybe talking to Sitwell or Garrett will help."

Phil calmed down slightly at the mention of two men that he'd known for years. Jasper and John weren't perfect, but he had a decent shot of making one of them listen to reason if he told them how worried he was about Clint being overworked.

"That would be great," Phil agreed.

"Plus, it would ease my mind if you had someone else to talk to other than the nurses and myself. I know that Fury's busy, and I understand why we need to keep your survival a secret, but I don't like you having to be on your own so much time," Clint replied.

"Honestly, I don't understand why my survival is such a big secret," Phil said. "This seems a bit excessive."

"Your death was what caused the Avengers to unite," Clint explained reluctantly. "Do you understand how effective you would be as a hostage? Until you're able to defend yourself sufficiently, the fewer people know about your survival, the better."

"I understand that, but surely that shouldn't include high-ranking SHIELD personnel?" Phil asked. "Unless- " he trailed off, an explanation coming to mind. If SHIELD had a high-ranking mole, that would explain the reason for the secrecy. Not to mention, if Clint was one of the few people cleared by Fury, that would explain why he was working so much. Fury wouldn't have any choice but to use the few people he could trust as much as possible, regardless of the toll it would take on them.

Clint replied firmly, "I know, Fury's being too overprotective. You can't blame us, though; we almost lost you." Phil could tell that Clint was saying that for the benefit of any surveillance on the room.

"I'm sorry to have worried you so much," Phil said. He got up and walked over to stand beside Clint's bed, saying as he did so, "I'm here now, though. I won't leave you again."

Phil leaned down and hugged Clint, although it was awkward due to Clint's prone position and bandaged hands. It did accomplish his goal of putting his mouth next to Clint's ear, though.

"Mole?" Phil murmured. 

Clint nodded minutely. 

"Nurses and physical therapist?" Phil asked, still barely making any noise. He shifted so that Clint's mouth would be next to his ear.

"Cleared but oblivious," Clint answered just as quietly.

Phil reluctantly let go of Clint after a moment, pressing a kiss to Clint's lips before casting his eye around the room. He would have loved to sit by Clint's bed, but he wasn't allowed to lift anything yet, and that included the room's only chair. Phil reluctantly went back to his own bed.

Clint caught the look on Phil's face and grinned. "Don't worry, Phil, I won't be stuck in this bed too much longer. Then we can go back to me sitting by your bed."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clint stayed in the room with Phil for a couple of weeks. It was probably the most relaxing two weeks they'd ever spent together; they'd always been so busy with missions in the past. Phil wasn't even able to use electronics, although now it was due to concerns about the mole being able to discover Phil's existence if Phil didn't stay off the grid.

Finally, Clint was fully healed. Phil knew that Clint could have left medical far earlier, but that Clint had stayed because he wanted to be with Phil. Phil figured that their apartment, which they had never had much chance to spend time in anyways, must have been even more depressingly empty than usual. 

Phil knew that when Clint left, he was likely to go directly to another mission. Now that he knew Clint's overwork was out of necessity and not guilt, Phil was just glad that Clint had had two weeks to catch up on sleep and stop looking so haunted. 

"Do you still want me to check with Fury to see whether Sitwell or Garrett can be told about your survival?" Clint checked as he was preparing to leave.

"You don't have to," Phil decided. "If Nick thinks that they should be told, he'll tell them. I trust him." Clint's expression suddenly looked slightly pained. Phil thought that Clint was probably as shaken by the mole as Phil was. Having even fewer people they could trust was stressful for both of them. 

"I'll see you as soon as I can," Clint said.

"I know," Phil said. "I love you."

"I love you, too," Clint replied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clint dropped by a week later, seeming almost optimistic. Phil wondered whether Clint thought they were close to finding the mole. He didn't ask, though; he knew better than to openly discuss such issues, even in a place that was supposedly secure. 

"How are you doing?" Clint asked him, as usual.

"About the same as I was when I saw you last," Phil said. "But I know to expect that, now. If I improve again, it'll probably be sudden, not gradual. I don't know what this experimental treatment is, but that does seem to be the pattern."

"Yeah, it does," Clint replied. "Just think; even one more improvement could bring you back to something close to normal health."

"I've been not trying to get my hopes up," Phil admitted. "But that's my assessment, too."

"Being able to come back and see you doing better makes this all worth it," Clint confessed. 

That visit wasn't as long as some of its predecessors, but Phil didn't mind. Not when Phil had hope that he wouldn't have to stay in the hospital for too much longer, and that Clint might be on the verge of finding the mole.


	4. Chapter Four

Eight days later, everything went to hell. Phil woke up one morning and was suddenly in more pain than he'd been in since he had first woken up after being injured. Phil screamed for a nurse, hoping that he wasn't dying but almost positive that he was. 

Phil was in pain for what felt like centuries but was probably less than a day. The nurses tried to tend to him, but they could do nothing to ease his pain. He tried to fall asleep in order to escape the pain, but even that didn't work; the agony prevented him from slipping into unconsciousness. 

At one point, Phil hallucinated. He thought he saw Loki standing in his room. He imagined Clint's voice begging Loki to stop, to set him free. Phil figured that this meant he was about to die. At least he could die hearing Clint's voice one more time, even if it was a hallucination of Clint being under Loki's control. Phil thought he might have said that aloud, but he couldn't think over the pain. As Phil heard Clint finally agreeing to do whatever Loki had promised, Phil finally drifted off into unconsciousness.


	5. Chapter Five

When Phil woke up, he felt better. He felt the same way he had a couple of days ago; he was back to being able to stay awake for hours and walk short distances. He asked the nurses if they had any idea whether he was likely to relapse again. They didn't know.

Phil's physical therapist, Thea, tested his physical abilities and discovered that they were exactly what they had been before the relapse. Phil stayed awake as long as he could that day, afraid that when he woke up next, he would be in unbearable pain again. When he woke up the next day, still in good health, he was relieved. But Phil knew that he was going to be afraid of waking up in agony for a while. Maybe forever. Phil didn't want to assume that another attack was going to happen, just because the first one had, but it wasn't an unreasonable assumption.

More than anything, Phil wanted details about what had been done to repair his body. To find out, though, Phil would need to talk to his doctor or Nick, neither of which were available. Even the identity of Phil's doctor was classified.

Phil couldn't help but wish that Clint was there. He knew that Clint's mission was vital, but he selfishly wished for the comfort of his partner.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Much to Phil's surprise, Clint came to visit him later that day.

"Are you okay?" Clint asked, voice frantic with worry. "I came as soon as I could!"

"I'm back to feeling the same as I did before the attack," Phil replied.

"I know, but are you okay?" Clint asked. 

"I'm afraid of having another attack and dealing with the realization that my health is much more uncertain than I'd thought," Phil admitted. "So not great." 

Phil looked closer at Clint's face and realized that Clint looked devastated, though Clint was trying to conceal it.

"Hey, come over here," Phil requested. "I'm fine, I'm healthy now, and I might never have another attack. I'm sorry I scared you."

"No, I'm sorry," Clint replied. He opened his mouth as if to continue, but nothing came out. 

Phil realized that his relapse had brought back Clint's guilt about his part in the battle on the Helicarrier. "You have nothing to be sorry about," Phil reassured Clint. 

"That's not actually true," Clint confessed, looking down at his hands. "You don't know what I've done."

"Then tell me," Phil prompted. "It won't change how I feel about you."

"I can't," Clint said. "It's my burden to bear, not yours. You'd disagree with what I've done, and I accept that. Talking about my actions will just make thing worse for both of us."

"If you really can't tell me, then I'll accept that. But just understand that I'm ready to hear about it if you you want tell me, and that the things we do for SHIELD don't have an impact on our relationship," Phil said firmly. "I love you, and that's not going to change just because of a bad mission." 

Phil wondered whether something had gone wrong during the mole hunt, or whether the mole hunt in general was taking a toll on Clint. He didn't know what Clint had done, but he knew that there was nothing Clint could do that could make Phil not love him. Natasha had terrible things in her past, and she was still one of their best friends. For that matter, Phil had done terrible things for SHIELD on occasion. Phil knew that Clint knew all of that, though, and so he couldn't imagine why Clint was so upset over his own actions, whatever they were.

"I love you, too. And I know you believe what you said, although I won't hold you to it," Clint replied. "Look, I'm not going to keep making vague statements about terrible things I've done without actually telling you about them, and actually telling you what I've done isn't an option. Can we just sit together?"

"Sure, Clint," Phil gave in. Continuing the argument wasn't going to work.

Clint left a few hours later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clint came back every day that week. He didn't mention whatever was haunting him, but Phil could tell by his expression that he was trying to come to a decision about something. Phil figured that decision was probably whether to tell him about whatever Clint had done, although it was equally possible that it was something to do with the mole. Phil missed knowing about Clint's missions and being able to help him make decisions like this.

After that, Clint left on a mission. He didn't tell Phil in advance that he was leaving, but Phil hadn't expected him to.

Two days later, everything changed.


	6. Chapter Six

Phil had just finished physical therapy when his door opened again. He looked up, expecting Clint, only to see Loki stride into the room, Tony following.

Tony's hands were clasped behind his back, as though they were tied together. He was silent, although his eyes betrayed his surprise at seeing Phil.

"Now, I could keep everyone under mind control all of the time, but that would grow tedious. I've found that providing proper incentive works much better," Loki gloated. "Clint will do just about anything if it means I keep healing Phil here. You might like to learn that Clint tried to protest my order to capture Virginia- or Pepper, as you call her. No need to stand on formality; we're all on the same side now, after all. When Clint heard his lover screaming in pain and preparing for death, of course, he swiftly changed his mind about not capturing your dear Pepper. Every man has his breaking point."

Phil tried to speak or get out of his bed but he found he couldn't. Loki was controlling him, just as much as he was controlling Tony. His mind was reeling from the revelation. Loki could be lying, but Phil didn't think he was. His story fit.

"This explanation is as much for Phil here as it is for you, of course. Poor Phil here thought that he was hidden in a SHIELD holding facility and that I had been defeated. Don't worry, Phil, this organization is much like SHIELD once you get used to it. After all, Hydra's been a part of SHIELD for years. Some of your friends would be happy to catch you up on the structural changes we've made to the organization. John or Jasper, for instance," Loki said. His glee at Phil's devastation was clear. He turned back to Tony, saying, "Now, would you like to start working towards Pepper being healed, or would you like me to demonstrate my ability to reverse the healing of spear wounds like Pepper's? We do have such a wonderful example here, after all. Of course, Clint would be unhappy with you, but there's no reason Clint should always get what he wants."

Tony was suddenly able to speak. "I don't think a demonstration will be necessary," he said, sounding more subdued than Phil would have ever imagined Tony capable of being.

"Well, if you're sure," Loki smirked. He strode out of the room, Tony following behind him. 

Phil's voice returned a minute after Loki left, and he was able to move after ten minutes. Phil considered going after Loki, but figured that there wouldn't be any point. Loki had proven he was abundantly capable of preventing Phil from harming him, so Phil was going to have to be smart about this. 

Phil tried to sort things out in his mind. Clint had been vague during many of their conversations, letting Phil fill in the gaps on his own. He'd said that their side had won, not specifying which side that was. He'd never mentioned that the man who'd healed Phil was a doctor. And Phil was the one who first mentioned a mole. Phil should have recognized the tactic; it was one that agents frequently used on marks. He had just never thought of himself as a mark.

Hell, Clint had even mentioned what an effective hostage Phil would be.

Phil didn't blame Clint for his choices. Phil knew that if it was Clint's health that Loki was bargaining with, Phil would have probably done the same. And Phil knew that Clint had been trying to protect him by keeping him oblivious. 

Phil wondered whether he should remove himself from the equation. He didn't want to be used as a pawn against Clint, and he'd always accepted the possibility that he'd die for the greater good. If Pepper wasn't being used as a hostage against Tony, Phil would have probably given the option more consideration. But even if Phil killed himself and Clint was able to attack Loki, Loki would be able to compel Tony to fight Clint. And Phil didn't like a grieving Clint's chances in a fight against a Tony who was fighting for Pepper's life. 

Later that day, Jasper came and told him in detail about how Hydra had always made up a significant portion of SHIELD. Phil stayed calm through the revelation that Loki hadn't been lying; that some of his best friends were literally Nazis who. Phil learned about how the organization he had built his life around was in pieces, and he acted like he wasn't falling apart. Sitwell asked how Phil felt about joining the organization that had risen from the ashes of SHIELD, and Phil managed to stay calm. After Phil told Jasper that he'd have to discuss the offer with Clint, heavily implying that he was considering it, Jasper finally left.

Phil didn't cry. Loki might have had him under surveillance and he didn't want to give Loki the satisfaction. Besides, he hadn't cried when Clint had been taken by Loki. He was good at pretending to be fine.


	7. Chapter Seven

Later that day, Clint came in. He looked incredibly guilty.

"You shouldn't have had to find out from Loki," Clint apologized. "I'm so sorry."

"Come over here," Phil requested. Clint walked over, looking like he expected Phil to hit him. Phil grabbed him in a firm hug. Clint clearly wasn't expecting it, but he put his arms around Phil and held on tight. 

"I'm sorry you had to deal with this alone," Phil said into Clint's shoulder. 

They let go of each other reluctantly. Clint sat down in the chair by the bed, but Phil kept hold of his hand.

"I'm still reeling from everything. But I'm not angry with you. In your place, I would have made the same decisions," Phil said. "My first impulse was to rebel, but we can't. There's no scenario I can see that leads to us winning."

"Trust me, I've spent a lot of time considering alternatives other than compliance. There aren't any," Clint confirmed. 

"What have you been doing lately?" Phil asked.

"I've been going on various missions for Loki. A lot of them have ended with me fighting the Avengers until Sitwell or Garrett tells me to retreat. I think I'm being used as a distraction," Clint explained. "I was part of the team that went to capture Pepper. The Avengers have been hiding, but Pepper's still trying to run Stark Industries, so she was more vulnerable than most."

"How is everyone?" Phil asked.

"Well, they're split on whether I'm mind controlled or Hydra, so that's fun. Fury's in hiding somewhere, calling the shots. The Winter Soldier- who happens to be a brainwashed Bucky Barnes, in case you were curious- was sent to kill him, but Fury survived somehow. I haven't heard much about Hill, which is a good sign. Natasha's pissed as hell and pretty fucked up about you dying and me working for Loki. I think Loki's going to target her next, since Iron Man can probably take her out. You and I will be her incentives for good behavior, so that'll be fun. Captain America's leading the fight, because of course he is. Loki was pretty thrilled when he figured out that Hydra had the Captain's childhood best friend working for them. The Winter Soldier's been deployed to play mind games with the Captain. Hulk's been spotted recently, so Dr. Banner's fine. And I think Loki's trying to get all of Thor's human allies under his thumb before trying to deal with him," Clint summarized.

"So basically there's no hope of Loki losing unless Asgard gets involved," Phil concluded. "Well, at least everyone's alive."

"You're taking this pretty well," Clint said suspiciously.

"I take almost everything pretty well," Phil replied. "Survival mechanism."

"So, now what?" Clint asked.

"Now, we wait," Phil replied.

Phil knew that this couldn't last forever. They'd make sure of it. Loki was good, but he was only one man. He'd make a mistake sooner or later, and then he'd die.

Phil was willing to stake his life on it.


End file.
